For a woman who fractured her skull as a three year old and promised that wasn't the first or last time she challenged Darwin's findings, you may wonder, "what is she like now?"
So I think I would like to balance stories from when I was a kid with stories from when I was an adult. Not from right this second, because right this second I'm drinking a Chai tea latte and updating my blog. I'm a basic bitch, and I own it.
Right now I'm going to tell you about why Fireball reminds me of a time I almost died and how it led me to a theory about party girls, and it is literally my most mundane story about drinking. And I didn't drink until I was 20. I was the late bloomer of my crew - my mom thinks I'm a lightweight, but that's because my mom hasn't been drinking with me. I think she forgets that my natural personality still has people believing I am under the influence of something at almost all times. I think my poor mom's brain is just like, "Well, Amanda had an Angry Orchard, so I'm going to just excuse the personality of this human I raised."
I'm not a big drinker, but I drink for the stories. Even though the time I almost died, I absolutely did not do it for the story. I've never been blackout drunk - there is one night in my entire life where I didn't remember it all right away, but once I saw reminders it came back. It's all there, I just tucked it away. And I very clearly remember everything about this particular night.
I also miss Fireball.
I'm probably hyping it up too much with the back story. I apologize. Anyway, for a little bit I was crashing with my cousin and her boyfriend. They lived literally a mile from my job and I was still looking for a place to rent. Well, one night, my cousin was at work and her boyfriend had bought Fireball and decided that we were drinking it together.
I loved Fireball, so hell yeah.
After a good solid 6 shots, I was like, "I'm done," and he was like, "I'm not drinking alone like an alcoholic," so like a good friend, I said, "okay." Because I was drunk and I'm really easy to convince do things I want to do even if I know they're a bad idea when I'm drunk. More drinking sounded fun.
But here's why keeping up shot for shot was a problem. I'm 5'1", and not a super heavy drinker. Like, the fact I wasn't dead by 6 shots was actually pretty good. He's like 6'4" and buff. He could definitely handle more alcohol for me.
Anyway, we finished the bottle.
And then I died.
It wasn't instantaneous and I thought, "Oh, man, I'm good. I just did half a bottle of Fireball."
Then ten minutes later, I was praying to the porcelain gods. I had never been so sick in my life. And I was drunk, but I was cognizant, and I was just so miserable and pretty sure I would have to have my stomach pumped but also not wanting to suggest it to the drunk guy in the living room that didn't see this situation coming.
Oh, I just realized why Carl's Jr also reminds me of death now and why it took me three years to ever eat a Western Bacon Burger again. Maybe I can heal and forgive Fireball, with enough time.
Anyway, my cousin came home and I told her that I was drunk and dying. She just laughed and went to bed. The next day her boyfriend made me toast and said he felt bad since I had very responsibly wanted to stop and he made me keep drinking. Which, I never blamed him, not even then. I could have said that I was a little person and can't hold my liquor as well as he can, and I didn't in favor of more drinking.
But, the night before, as I lay there, dying and swearing off Fireball forever, I had my epiphany.
Party girls don't stop partying because they grew up. Party girls stop partying because literally every alcohol reminds them of a time they almost died.
And that sucks.
And that is my lame story about a time I somehow avoided alcohol poisoning and realized why the party stops for some girls.
So I think I would like to balance stories from when I was a kid with stories from when I was an adult. Not from right this second, because right this second I'm drinking a Chai tea latte and updating my blog. I'm a basic bitch, and I own it.
Right now I'm going to tell you about why Fireball reminds me of a time I almost died and how it led me to a theory about party girls, and it is literally my most mundane story about drinking. And I didn't drink until I was 20. I was the late bloomer of my crew - my mom thinks I'm a lightweight, but that's because my mom hasn't been drinking with me. I think she forgets that my natural personality still has people believing I am under the influence of something at almost all times. I think my poor mom's brain is just like, "Well, Amanda had an Angry Orchard, so I'm going to just excuse the personality of this human I raised."
I'm not a big drinker, but I drink for the stories. Even though the time I almost died, I absolutely did not do it for the story. I've never been blackout drunk - there is one night in my entire life where I didn't remember it all right away, but once I saw reminders it came back. It's all there, I just tucked it away. And I very clearly remember everything about this particular night.
I also miss Fireball.
I'm probably hyping it up too much with the back story. I apologize. Anyway, for a little bit I was crashing with my cousin and her boyfriend. They lived literally a mile from my job and I was still looking for a place to rent. Well, one night, my cousin was at work and her boyfriend had bought Fireball and decided that we were drinking it together.
I loved Fireball, so hell yeah.
After a good solid 6 shots, I was like, "I'm done," and he was like, "I'm not drinking alone like an alcoholic," so like a good friend, I said, "okay." Because I was drunk and I'm really easy to convince do things I want to do even if I know they're a bad idea when I'm drunk. More drinking sounded fun.
But here's why keeping up shot for shot was a problem. I'm 5'1", and not a super heavy drinker. Like, the fact I wasn't dead by 6 shots was actually pretty good. He's like 6'4" and buff. He could definitely handle more alcohol for me.
Anyway, we finished the bottle.
And then I died.
It wasn't instantaneous and I thought, "Oh, man, I'm good. I just did half a bottle of Fireball."
Then ten minutes later, I was praying to the porcelain gods. I had never been so sick in my life. And I was drunk, but I was cognizant, and I was just so miserable and pretty sure I would have to have my stomach pumped but also not wanting to suggest it to the drunk guy in the living room that didn't see this situation coming.
Oh, I just realized why Carl's Jr also reminds me of death now and why it took me three years to ever eat a Western Bacon Burger again. Maybe I can heal and forgive Fireball, with enough time.
Anyway, my cousin came home and I told her that I was drunk and dying. She just laughed and went to bed. The next day her boyfriend made me toast and said he felt bad since I had very responsibly wanted to stop and he made me keep drinking. Which, I never blamed him, not even then. I could have said that I was a little person and can't hold my liquor as well as he can, and I didn't in favor of more drinking.
But, the night before, as I lay there, dying and swearing off Fireball forever, I had my epiphany.
Party girls don't stop partying because they grew up. Party girls stop partying because literally every alcohol reminds them of a time they almost died.
And that sucks.
And that is my lame story about a time I somehow avoided alcohol poisoning and realized why the party stops for some girls.
Comments
Post a Comment